Not Constructive: Red Eyes MC Series Book #6 Read online

  Cameron sighed but didn’t show any other signs of his feelings.

  “I know you have to act like a tough guy, but you’re the only one here right now other than me,” I said quietly. “It’s okay to be upset.”

  At that, Cameron turned around to look at me, and the glare on his face told me that I was definitely overstepping my boundaries. Right, maybe he just wanted to be left alone. There were a few more things I had to do inside before I could close up for the day. Better get to them.

  I turned and headed toward the building, kicking myself for being such an idiot. What did I think was going to happen? That he was going to break down and start crying, show me an intimate side of himself that he couldn’t let anyone else see? Did I even want that intimacy with him?

  I sort of did, and that was the problem. I knew I really couldn’t get involved with him, but at the same time, there was something that drew me to him. Something in that stoic appearance that made me want to break down those walls and find out what kind of a man he really was. Maybe it was just the stories that Maddie had been telling me. Maybe I just wanted to know if he was really as terrible a guy as she had told me that he was. Was he the kind of guy who stole and did drugs and owned guns?

  For some reason, he just didn’t seem like that kind of guy to me. It seemed like there was something more to him. It wasn’t that he was sensitive or somehow weak, but he was definitely an enigma.

  “Hey,” Cameron said suddenly as I was heading back toward the building. I paused and looked back at him, arching an eyebrow and wondering if he was going to apologize for being rude or something. He certainly did look sheepish. “Did you want to go get some coffee?”

  I blinked at him, not having expected those words to come out of his mouth. Did I want to go get coffee with him? Like a date?

  No, of course he didn’t mean it that way. He probably just wanted a little bit of company. I wondered why he hadn’t gone out with the other guys from the funeral. I had heard all of them making plans to go get drinks tonight. To continue the party somewhere else. Because that was the thing: Ray’s funeral had basically turned from eulogies and sad speeches into a sort of party with booze and brags and everything else that you might expect from a motorcycle club. A sort of Irish funeral, if you will.

  Again, though, that didn’t seem like the mood that Cameron was in. There was something somber about the way he was mourning. It made me want to ask, but more than that, it made me want to comfort him. That was an instinct that I had never felt with a man before.

  I nodded at him, unable to help myself. “I just have to make a call first,” I said.

  “Okay,” Cameron said easily, shoving his hands into the pockets of his slacks.

  God, he looked good like that too. His tie loosened, his hands in his slacks, his hair slightly rumpled from where he had run his fingers back through it a few times over the course of the day, a nervous habit that I could tell he didn’t even realize he was doing anymore.

  At first, I wondered what he was nervous about, but then I remembered his insistence that there be security here for the funeral. I hadn’t missed the way he asked that one man to leave either. I didn’t want to know the story there. I didn’t want to get involved in any of this. But I did want to comfort him. I did want to help take the weight of the world off his shoulders, if only for a moment.

  I pulled out my phone and called Maddie. “Hey, can you pick up Sam?” I asked her, keeping my voice low so that Cameron wouldn’t overhear. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to know that I had a son. It was one thing for me to tangle up my own future with this guy, this member of the most powerful motorcycle club in Las Cruces, but it would be another thing entirely to deliberately put Sam in danger too.

  “What’s going on?” Maddie asked. “Where are you? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, smiling at how concerned she sounded. “Nothing’s wrong; I’m just still at work. But I can meet you at your house later.”

  “Oh phew,” Maddie said. “I was afraid that those Red Eyes guys might have done something to you.”

  “No, they were fine,” I told her. “Honestly, I don’t think they really noticed me at all during the funeral.” My eyes flicked over to Cameron, who was watching me now instead of staring down at Ray’s grave. I wondered what he was thinking.

  For some reason, I found myself blushing a little, and I turned slightly away from him, not wanting him to see. I didn’t know why he got me so flustered. It had been a while since I’d been with a man, but that was no reason to act like I was in high school or something.

  “Well, I’m glad everything went well,” Maddie said. “And of course I can pick up Sam. Maybe we’ll go to the park. The weather’s pretty nice right now.”

  “Just don’t let him anywhere near the dog park,” I said, rolling my eyes as I remembered the last time Sam and I had gone to the park.

  “Why, is he allergic to them?” Maddie asked.

  “No, he just wants to take all of them home,” I said. “And I am so not ready to commit to having a dog in the house right now.”

  “You’re not ready to commit to anything.” Maddie sighed. “One of these days, we’re going to have to find you a man who can change your workaholic ways.”

  I laughed, resisting the urge to glance over at Cameron again. Jesus, we were just going to coffee, and I was just keeping him company. This wasn’t a date. This definitely wasn’t a date.

  Why did I have to keep reminding myself of that? Was I that desperate? I felt disgusted with myself. But I also felt the current of lust pulsing through me for the first time in ages. If Cameron wanted to take me home and have his way with me afterward, I might not complain. Unless it made me late to pick up Sam.

  “See you in a little while,” Maddie said. “I’ll just go ahead and bring Sam to your place, and you can meet me there. He’ll probably want to show me some of his new toys anyway. But you, don’t work too hard.”

  “See you soon, and thanks,” I said, hanging up the phone. I put it back in my pocket and looked back at Cameron. “All right,” I told him. “I’m ready.”

  “Great,” Cameron said, coming over toward me. “Who was that?”

  “Just my coworker,” I told him. “We have another funeral tomorrow, so I’ve been trying to get as much ready in advance as I could.”

  None of that was a lie, technically. It just wasn’t the real reason that I had called Maddie, but he didn’t need to know that.

  9

  Cameron

  I didn’t know why I suggested that Tara and I go get coffee together. I’d been so angry when she first came out to the grave to meet me. Not angry at her, just angry at circumstances. To be honest, I was dwelling on all the crazy theories about what the Unknowns could possibly be planning. Even though I had no idea really. The fact that Lex had been there at Ray’s funeral at all just made me angry. He shouldn’t have been there, and there should have been some way to prevent that.

  And I didn’t know what we were going to do in the future. I was going to have to have a long chat with Grant, probably give him some more pointers. I didn’t know if he understood what kind of a threat Lex was. Granted, he had been there the last time that Lex had been causing trouble for Red Eyes, but he hadn’t had any sort of responsibility in the club at the time. He hadn’t been the one in charge of strategizing to make Lex rethink his plans.

  Put it this way: I wasn’t sure that even Braxton could impress upon Lex the stupidity of launching some sort of attack against Red Eyes right now, so Grant definitely wouldn’t be able to if he didn’t start acting more like the leader, rather than leaving me to take the lead with Lex earlier that day.

  I’d snapped at Tara, and I felt bad about that. I could tell that she was trying to make me feel better. I had to wonder about her, wonder what had made her go into this profession in the first place. I knew that she couldn’t care about every single person who came through those doors, but I was sure that she had he
ard all the stories by this point. I wondered what kinds of insights she could give me, if there was some way that I could get through all of this without succumbing to the stress.

  And I had meant to thank her. Somehow, in all of the chaos that had happened as people started bringing out bottles and flasks, I hadn’t gotten around to thanking her for making this happen today as I’d requested. Instead of thanking her, I’d been rude to her again.

  That just wasn’t the kind of guy that I was. I really did appreciate that she had helped us out, that she had come in on her day off and that she had thrown this together last minute but with perfect attention to detail.

  I wanted to say that those were the only reasons that I had invited her out to coffee, but that would have been a lie. Today, she looked as much the ice queen as ever, in a knee-length, slinky black dress with a small brooch on her left breast, her hair immaculately coiffed and her makeup dark and severe, but there was something about her when she looked at me that let me see a softness to her. When she said that thing about how I had to appear strong for everyone else but how I didn’t need to keep up the charade when it was just the two of us…

  Well, I could tell that she really understood me. That maybe she was in the same situation herself. I knew what I was hiding. I just wondered what she was hiding. There was an air of mystery about her that intrigued me, and that’s why I really invited her out for coffee with me.

  “So what made you get into this business to begin with?” I asked curiously.

  Tara shrugged. “I think dead bodies are fascinating,” she quipped. I stared at her for a long moment, wondering if I should be worried, but then she burst out laughing. “Relax, I’m not a serial killer or something. Although I don’t know why that freaked you out so much. I’ve heard some pretty impressive stories about Red Eyes.”

  I snorted. “Don’t believe half the things that you hear,” I told her. I didn’t really want to get into what the club did, but for some reason, I really didn’t like the idea that she might be thinking I was some kind of terrible criminal. That she had likened us to serial killers. We didn’t do anything nearly that terrible. Guys did die sometimes, when the violence got out of hand or when there were things that we couldn’t go to the sheriff about. But those incidents were few and far between, and the guys who died were guys from other MCs. Guys who knew the risks.

  We didn’t go around killing innocents for fun. I hoped she knew that.

  “So do you have some kind of job outside of the motorcycle club?” Tara asked.

  I shrugged. “Not exactly,” I told her. “I’ve got hobby jobs, I guess is the best way of describing them. I do a little bit of consultation work, and I build bikes. But most of my work is with the MC.”

  I could tell that she wanted to ask more, but she didn’t, and I was glad for that.

  “Do you want to talk about Ray?” Tara did ask, her voice tentative. “It’s all right if you don’t. I just can tell that it’s something that’s weighing on your mind.”

  “How can you tell?” I asked. I knew that she had to see a lot of grieving people in her time at her job, but it just made me wonder. Was there something there that the other guys would be able to pick up on as well? Was there something that Red Eyes’ enemies would be able to pick up on?

  Tara shrugged. “I don’t know; I guess I’ve always been good at reading people’s behaviors,” she said. “It’s part of what makes a successful funeral home director. You have to be able to comfort and also to get people to relax around you. To let them know that you’re going to help them out in any way that you can.”

  “Hmm,” I said, thinking about that. Finally, I shrugged. “You’re right; his death is weighing on me. Partly because he and I were really close. He’s the guy that got me into Red Eyes. I’ve known him for what seems like forever. He was like a father to me. But there’s more to it than just that.”

  I paused, not sure I wanted to tell her about all of the club woes that I had at the moment. She really shouldn’t know about Grant and Lex and all the potential for trouble in the coming days. But at the same time, part of what was killing me at the moment was the fact that I had no one I could talk to about all of this. Braxton had Landon and Grant had Holly and Belle had Will, and everyone else had someone to turn to. I felt like I was the one trying to hold everything together, but there was no one that I could turn to, no one that I could lean on as things got difficult.

  I couldn’t possibly go so far as to lean on Tara. We weren’t partners. But I had to appreciate that she was willing to listen to whatever I had to say to her. I had to appreciate that she clearly wanted to help me. Maybe she did this for all of her clients, but I really appreciated it.

  Suddenly, I had to wonder if she had listened to Ray like this after he had lost his wife. Had she been funeral director back then, or had someone with similar practices been the funeral director? Was that why Ray wanted the same funeral parlor to be used when he died? I had to wonder.

  I took a deep breath and then shrugged. “Honestly, the thing that I’m most worried about is what Ray’s passing means for Red Eyes.”

  “Because you’ve lost your president,” Tara surmised.

  “We’ve already got a new president in place,” I said, deciding not to get into the question of whether Grant was really ready to lead the club. But there was something that I could say: “Remember how I asked you to make sure there was security around today during the funeral?”

  “Yeah, and I did,” Tara said. “But I did see you playing security yourself at one point.”

  I nodded at her, inwardly sort of pleased that she had noticed me getting rid of Lex. She was sharp; I had to give her that. She paid attention without letting on that she was paying attention. “Even though we have a new leader in place already, I’m afraid that other clubs are going to take this as an invitation to try us. To prod for weaknesses,” I told Tara.

  “And you’re afraid that you’re not going to be able to fight them all off?” Tara smirked. “I was led to believe that you’re the strongest club in all of Las Cruces.”

  “In all of New Mexico,” I corrected automatically, and I saw her grin widen.

  “You’re cocky. That has to count for something,” she said.

  I gaped at her. “Cocky?” I asked.

  “You were from the first moment I met you,” she said. “The way that you demanded that the funeral be held today, like the whole universe revolved around you.”

  I had to laugh. “I’m sorry about that,” I said honestly. “And sorry for being rude today, too. It’s just been a long day.” I paused. “I did mean to say thanks for everything. You did a great job with the funeral preparations. Everything came together better than I could have imagined, and in such a short amount of time.”

  Tara shrugged. “Hey, it’s what I do best,” she said.

  “Still, thank you for everything. I know Ray would have been glad about the way that things turned out, and that means a lot to me.”

  Tara stared at me for a long moment then nodded. For a second, she looked like she was going to say something else. Or maybe do something else, as her hand twitched toward mine. Then, she drew her hand back, glancing at her watch, and she wrinkled her nose. “I really need to get home,” she said, and I felt surprisingly disappointed to hear that. I didn’t know what I had expected.

  “Right, I’ll let you get home,” I said, standing up at the same time that she did. I paused, shoving my hands into my pockets, feeling surprisingly nervous around her. “You have my number, though. If you ever wanted to get coffee again, to talk or whatever, give me a call.”

  Tara blinked, and was it just my imagination or did her eyes go a little darker? Her lips definitely parted on a quick breath, and I suddenly wondered if she had been hoping for this to turn into something else as well.

  I let myself think about it for a moment. I knew that fucking my way to oblivion was no way to go about things. It wouldn’t be fair to either Tara or me. I needed t
o deal with the thoughts going through my head. Regardless, I had to admit that I wanted her. I wanted her long legs wrapped around my waist, and I wanted to peel back those layers hiding her true self. I wanted to see what she was really like, naked and laid bare, no longer the immaculate ice queen but something else entirely.

  But it clearly wasn’t going to happen today, and I wasn’t about to chase her. She knew that I was involved with Red Eyes, and I had to respect her if she didn’t want to get tangled up in that and wanted to keep her distance. If she called me, I’d love to take her to bed and fuck her raw. But if she didn’t call me, there were plenty of other women in the city, or I could deal with things like an adult—the way that I was really supposed to.

  Out in the parking lot, Tara lingered for a moment. “Things are going to get better,” she finally said. “I know you’re worried, but trust me. You’re the first MC member that I’ve ever had to deal with, but I imagine that just like with everything else, this is going to pass. Things will work out better than you think they’re going to.”

  “I sure hope so,” I said, fighting the urge to sigh. I wished I could have the optimism that she had. I knew part of it was that she just didn’t understand. To her, the danger wasn’t real. She didn’t know what could happen if things went sour with Lex or if someone else decided to attack us. Or heaven forbid, if a couple different clubs decided to attack all at once. That would definitely be the end of us. It would be chaos.

  Chaos that the sheriff wouldn’t be able to ignore. A surefire way to get all of us thrown into jail.

  But still, even though Tara’s words came off as slightly naive, there was something about it that I appreciated. I wanted to believe that things were going to be okay. And I appreciated that she wanted me to feel better about things. Again, I was tempted to say something else, to ask if she wanted to get dinner sometime.